i+alia a to z :: b - in be tween

i am sitting in the philadelphia airport waiting to board a plane to venice. my eyelid finally stopped contracting on the plane from jacksonville. before we got on the plane, my mom said, "its stress. you've had four major life events. and now you're traveling. give in to it..."

perhaps the reprieve is in between destinations, in the quiet of the airport, bags packed, time to think, pray, chat, just the present. the days leading up to this pause saw me wrecked over how to pack the perfect piece of minimalist luggage. 

wednesday :: online research about packing for a six week stay in europe and the psychic causes of procrastination. so these two entries from The Everyday Minimalist were SUPER helpful with the packing, fyi: Uber Minimalist and IN PICTURES 6 weeks.

however, combined with a thoroughgoing of Thought Catalog's thoughts on procrastination (see especially procrastination-is-not-laziness), i devolved into a nail-biting perfectionist fever. you see, my particular crazy fixates on a problem that is, as the voice of don’t-be-ridiculous puts it, "not a real problem" in order to seemingly control my anxiety about what is now or about to happen.

thursday - monday :: shopping frenzy for the perfect components for the perfect piece of minimalist luggage.

monday @3pm (leaving tuesday @8am!!!) :: exhaustion sets in just as i start on the to-do-before-i-leave list – you know, the real problems – oh, and before i actually start packing.

this is what my process looked like as i attempted to emulate Everyday Minimalist’s organized and informative photo essay:

exhibit 1 :: beginning

exhibit 2 :: bag options

exhibit 3 :: what must go in :: cottons and silks, stripes, denim, etc.

exhibit 3 :: seven bag options later…mom – “ok, you proved you can do it. now you need to be realistic.”

story of my life. as soon as i get everything squared away, i turn around and realize i have left the most important thing out of my planning. i can be deeply avoidant in this way. or is it inconsiderate?

exhibit 4 :: full circle plus one

what does all this mean? because that is generally the question that i ask myself. how is it that packing becomes so symbolic? like, if I can just get this right, i can make a claim to efficacy. one, neat little bag. this might show the world that i am capable of getting my act together.

this is what it has been like, organizing the grief of four deaths, one struggle after another sort, organize, and purge the remnants of a world passing away. first the denial. then the rage. then the bone squeezing sadness. finances, possessions, memories yet to figure. layer upon layer stripped away. just when i think i am down to my birthday suit, i find i am still wearing socks.

this trip is part of a new set of clothes - a gown or a simple pair of black linen trousers, maybe some i+alian made sandals - an outfit for a new name day feast. like my sister said, a new set of memories to be made.

this trip means a lot. it is more than what don’t-be-ridiculous calls a ‘transitional object.’ it is transition.

i recently upset her (don’t-be-ridiculous i mean). you know, my being inconsiderate. i apologized, but it wasn’t until later that i realized just how she has up set me – in the best possible way of course.

i feel like a tween again. this is good and bad. i find myself in this space between labors, a kind of dependent once more. i am also madly in love, the kind of love that makes one reckless and motivates one to be better at once.

and it is a most positive augury that i met her in between, in the sky above clouds. because you see, i always find my constants in between. my family, my sanity, my vocations - i am best present to them in transition. in the pause, in the labor of stillness, now in her my eye stops twitching.