beginning with an apology - embarrassing?

i have been thinking of writing a blog for some time now, so i am going to overload with a few back issues, moments i can't help but share. i was watching a movie last night with my partner and her little sister. it was a terrible movie. don't see it. we only watched 15 minutes of it because it was pretty graphic and we felt uncomfortable watching it with a 15 year old. really, everything is uncomfortable with a fifteen year old. but two sex scenes in 15 minutes, well i'm sure you catch my drift. anyway, the movie is awful. i know this without having really seen it. a friend gave away some of the plot decisions (you know, basically the femmy lesbian decides to hook up with the sperm donor). and in the first fifteen minutes, I could already see typical, hetero dynamics playing out in the relationship between these two women, the committed lesbian couple. so don't see it. i'm going to finish it sometime in the next couple of days.

but anyway, one of the lesbian mommies (the bread-winning but not butch mommy, who scolds her partner for taking steps to start her own business, steps taken without the bread-winning, shots calling mama's knowledge) is hounding her teenage daughter to write thank you cards for her birthday presents. About five times she says - now, you wouldn't want to start off the notes with an apology; that's embarrassing; better to knock 'em out.

thinking about this, it seems like i am the teenage girl who is always starting off with an apology (my little sister, on the other hand, preferred to 'knock 'em out'). but i wonder if it is so embarrassing to begin with an apology, particularly in a thank you note? what is it about our cultural psychosis that is obsessed with personal image and etiquette, but is unconcerned with how we treat people as a society? this is not to rail the movie scene. it actually struck me as fairly honest about the values of the 'American family.'

lately i have been noticing how everyone in films seem to conform to this mold: 'modestly' (or not so modestly) well off; having successful and creative careers; the parents of good looking and/or particularly intelligent  or witty children; homes with rooms like they materialized from the pages of a glossy and expensive home decor magazine (this is especially the case in family/holiday focused films). this is spoon fed to us as the model of a 'good' life, the minimum requirements. as in this (d)illusion, we are each issued a perfectly unique stack of stationary, perfectly matching each unique personality (i personally take great pleasure in this part of writing thank you notes) on which to write thank you notes to each other, on time mind you, so as not to seem ungrateful for the many [blessings?] in our lives.

what are the consequences of this notion of the 'good' life? is it truly a product of our good intentions, hard work, and appropriately, formally expressed gratitude? should we really be writing thank you letters to each other, or should we be directing our thanks to the people of this world, this nation who carry heavy loads, who end up being the stacks of backs that we (White middle and upper class American families) stand on to reach the highest fruit of the tree. and then we refuse to share, claiming that our hard work earned ownership of this fruit. we comb the trees of all the fruit, and we store it away in big red, white and blue barns, while those who plant and nurture and witness the earth bearing fruit are forced to watch as their lives and dreams are snatched away.

it seems to me that an apology is quite an appropriate beginning to the huge note of gratitude long overdue to continents, nations, and communities of people who have given their lives unwillingly in the service of the American dream. but that would be embarrassing. and a true apology might require that we humiliate ourselves further by bringing ourselves low. this, i think, is the trouble: a deep fear of humility in personal and public life. we would rather save face, shirking the difficult call to amend social, political, economic, racial, sexual, and gendered injustice. even in personal thank you notes, what is wrong with showing our humanity a little, the imperfections that make us truly, truly who we are - imperfect memories, imperfect words, imperfect gratitude? perhaps we should begin every note with an apology.

it saddens me to see this fear replicated in a film that endeavors to represent the world and values of a lesbian family. perhaps this is the truth for many gay and lesbian families in America, unfortunately. i guess i just wish that we could develop a queerer perspective as we present our values to the world. when i say queer, i mean a vision of the good life that seeks solidarity with and liberation for all who are oppressed and socially marginalized. if these are not our values, authentically practiced, then our struggle for liberation is vacant, as is our gratitude.

i am not advocating for an abandonment of thank you notes. i actually cherish and celebrate this practice. i just think we could use a little apology without humiliation, with humility. i think we could also use some personal and communal self-reflection about what constitutes the good life, and express gratitude in accordance with more just values, values that celebrate mutuality, intimacy, and life. so i am beginning this blog with an apology for not starting sooner because my ego and fear of rejection was in the way. i also apologize (and this is related to the first apology) that my identity as a privileged, White, Western, academic albeit queer female presents limitations to the work of justice doing and writing. i hope you will forgive my limitations and lovingly correct any ignorances and obstinancies that surface in my reflections here. as a beginning, i hope you will accept this note of gratitude for your part in shaping my imagination, my sense of the divine, my queerness. thank you.